nigel gray - the letter

If there is no letter from you
it means maybe
you no longer love me
(I am afraid of losing you)
I am child given a balloon

(a balloon doesn't stay full-round and shiny long)

maybe you met someone since you wrote
(three days after all is a long time)
this morning there was no letter
(weights were hooked onto my belly
dragging it down)
there was a letter from South Africa
James has been arrested
(I felt ashamed of the pain in my belly)

L.NGUDLE DIED IN CUSTODY IN PRETORIA
SUICIDE BY HANGING

it is fear that James might be the next to die
(my pain persisted)

B.MERHOPE DIED IN CUSTODY IN WORCESTER
CAUSES UNDISCLOSED

James has been in prison three months
(three days is a long time)

J.TYITYA DIED IN CUSTODY IN PORT ELIZABETH
SUICIDE BY HANGING

without you I am as vulnerable as a mouse
my imagination has the claws of a cat
my fantasies are as spiteful as fragmentation bombs
I torture myself with the thoughts of
what men might be doing to you
(giving you pleasure perhaps!)

S.SALODJEE DIED IN CUSTODY IN JOHANNESBURG
HE FELL FROM A SEVENTH FLOOR WINDOW
DURING INTERROGATION

I can't imagine what men might be doing to James
what forms their torture takes

N.GAGA DIED IN CUSTODY IN THE TRANSKEI
FROM NATURAL CAUSES

They are capable of everything

P.HOYE DIED IN CUSTODY IN THE TRANSKEI
FROM NATURAL CAUSES

maybe they tell him his wife is fucking white policemen
(maybe you are fucking white policemen)

James is in pain
(so am I)
(I am ashamed to say it)

J.HAMAKWEYO DIED IN CUSTODY IN PRETORIA
SUICIDE BY HANGING

James might be the next to die
I am doing what little I can

H.SHONYEKA DIED IN CUSTODY IN PRETORIA
SUICIDE

it takes time
(three days is a long time)

P.LIN DIED IN CUSTODY IN PRETORIA
SUICIDE BY HANGING

after beatings a man might take three days to die
men maybe dying now

A.YAN DIED IN CUSTODY IN PRETORIA
SUICIDE BY HANGING

my pain is clearly not important
I feel guilty about it
(yet it persists)

A.MADIBA DIED IN CUSTODY IN AN UNDISCLOSED
PLACE
SUICIDE BY HANGING

if I were to lose the ones I love
it is possible I might want to die

J.TUBAKWE DIED IN CUSTODY IN PRETORIA
SUICIDE BY HANGING

but I can't imagine I would want
to be hung by the ankles from a tenth floor window

N.NKGOATHE DIED IN CUSTODY IN PRETORIA
HE SLIPPED IN THE SHOWER

even if I felt I would welcome oblivion
I can't imagine I would welcome
being beaten to death with iron bars

IT WAS DISCLOSED IN PARLIAMENT IN SOUTH
AFRICA THAT AN UNNAMED PERSON DIED IN
CUSTODY IN AN UNDISCLOSED PLACE ON AN
UNDISCLOSED DAY

(it has never been disclosed
that many more people have died in similar circumstances)

S.MODIPANE DIED IN CUSTODY IN AN
UNDISCLOSED PLACE

HE SLIPPED IN THE SHOWER

in every city centre there should be a tomb
for the unknown civilian
where a flame should burn till the torturers have been stopped

J.LENKOE DIED IN CUSTODY IN PRETORIA
SUICIDE BY HANGING

we can't do anything for them now
meat can't be made to sing
nor bones to dance

C.MAYEKISO DIED IN CUSTODY IN PORT ELIZABETH
FROM NATURAL CAUSES

it is impossible to make mutilated minds and bodies whole
we can't turn heroin to poppy resin
or fascist papers into tree

M.SHIVUTE DIED IN CUSTODY IN AN UNDISCLOSED
PLACE
SUICIDE

pehaps we could stop torturing each other
perhaps we could put an end to unnecessary deaths
but I don't know how

J.MONAKGOTLA DIED IN CUSTODY IN PRETORIA
THROMBOSIS

I do not know that sleeping without you
is like lying in an ice box
on a bed of nails

IMAM HARON DIED IN CUSTODY IN CAPE TOWN
HE FELL DOWN STAIRS

James is forced to sleep without his woman
(I can't bear to sleep alone)
(I wonder if they let him sleep)

M.CUTHSELA DIED IN CUSTODY IN AN
UNDISCLOSED PLACE
FROM NATURAL CAUSES

James will found himself alone each time he wakes
(I can't bear to wake alone)
(I wonder if they will let him wake)

A.TIMOL DIED IN CUSTODY IN JOHANNESBURG
HE JUMPED FROM A TENTH FLOOR WINDOW
DURING INTERROGATION

(it doesn't really matter does it
whether they pushed him
or whether they filled that small cube
with so much pain
that two and a half seconds of freedom in space
was worth taking in exchange for life)
James's cell might be slowly filling now
with pain like liquid that will drown him
even if treads water till the very end
till his human skull is pressed against
the lifeless concrete of the interrogation room ceiling

J.MDLULI DIED IN CUSTODY IN DURBAN
CAUSES UNDISCLOSED

I don't know what to do
James might be the next to die

M.MOHAPI DIED IN CUSTODY IN KEI ROAD
SUICIDE BY HANGING

I would not change places with him if I could
if it were you
I might
( you are more important to me than James )
( James's woman is more important to him than I )
James would understand

L.MAZWEMBE DIED IN CUSTODY IN CAPE TOWN
SUICIDE BY HANGING

James might be the next to die.


*this was posted in my earlier blog on 16th oct 2004...